SM is not role-playing for me. Roles are characters of others. For me, SM is a part of my inner self, a deep desire. Dominance is a trait of my character, it has become of great importance to my life. As my dominance is a part of me, I expect a partner to feature submissiveness as a part of his self.
The submissive one needs to have the natural desire to serve, to hand over all his personality, to trust, the willingness to submit and to be at someone’s beck and call, to be humiliated. It’s like in a jigsaw: the two parts have to fit as exact opposites of one another. Actually, a really dominant MASTER might never really understand every single bit of a submissive person, since the needs of the latter are so out of range for the MASTER.
Yet, he needs to try to understand, since he is responsible for the well-being of all people involved. It his duty to take care and to assure that everyone is satisfied. This should not be too hard since the needs and desires complement absolutely. By living his most inner desires the most inner desires of the other one are met. This applies for the MASTER as well as for the slave.
SM based on trust, ideally in an SM-relationship, is one of the deepest and most intense relationships between two persons. It’s not love in a classic sense, but if you see love as an emotional togetherness, you might well call it the extrem form of love. Is there any proof of love that goes beyond trusting another person one hundred per cent by completely handing over any responsibility and is there any proof of love that goes beyond accepting this responsibility?
Next to trust, SM is based on mutual respect and recognition. Yes, even a MASTER needs to respect the slave, despite his showings of the opposite. The slave needs to be assured that the MASTER feels this respect deep inside. As long as the slave knows for sure that the MASTER respects his well-being, he can let himself go and will absolutely try to contribute everything to make the MASTER happy.
I have been asked many times what it is that attracts me to dominance, what gives me the satisfaction. It’s difficult to find an answer since this desire rules on an extremely emotional level. Well, after all, I can formulate one motivation that does not come close to covering all aspects but gives a good indication: It is satisfying to satisfy someone by living one’s own wishes.
It has something of a service to the slave. I have enough security and warmth to give away that someone else is looking for. I love to offer the consequence, leadership, humiliation, strictness and horniness he needs. By living my way I can exactly offer my counter
part what satisfies his needs. As a master, thus, I serve the slave in the way he serves me.
This definition of my joy of SM excludes that I want “power” in the first place. I’ve got enough of that in my daily life. This should never be motivating SM. I love responsibility, I am addicted to it. Of course, the one taking responsibility is the one who has got the power. Yet, particularly in my professional life I live according to the slogan: “The one who leads need not boss around. He has to prove to be a leader in the moments of unpopular decision-taking.”
How is this attitude reflected in my style of SM? I am not a MASTER yelling and shouting at my slave. Wrong is, who shouts. Yet, I am able to be louder than normal, in specific situations, but my slave knows in such moments that resistance would be the most stupid reaction… Verbal humiliation is part of my relationship to slaves, of course, but still this comes along rather easily and in a way decently. I know to say “please” to a slave without being bothered – if I can be sure that the slave knows that he doesn’t have a free choice. It is an order in disguise. This way of dealing with one another enables me, to live SM outside with people around who do not know about the special MASTER-slave-relationship. Granted, there are situations where a humiliation in public is of great attraction. But this needs not happen all the time. Attraction is lost if overplayed. It is, as usually, the task of the MASTER to use the different available tools in the right situations and in an adequate way.
These are my first thoughts laid down in writing on this topic. I could continue to talk about this for hours. There will be more of this, for sure. I am happy to receive feedback. I would never say that my views are the objectively right ones, but they are okay for me at present. And that counts, doesn’t it?