MasterMarc: Hello Daddy in Charge. We want to talk about the daddy-son fetish / lifestyle. I think it is important, that we define first, what we are talking about, because it is important that people know, that we are NOT talking about underaged boys. So out of your point of view, what is the essence of the daddy-son fetish/lifestyle? What are the important points? Is it just the difference in age or what is it?
Daddy in Charge: I do want to start out defining what I mean by the Daddy/boy relationship. I actually prefer the term boy to son so it’s clear that I am not talking about any actual incest. I also want to be clear that I’m talking about relationships solely between adult males, nothing underage. I’m also talking exclusively about relationships between a dominant older man and a submissive younger man. There can be intergenerational relationships where there is no power dynamic and some where they dynamic is reversed with a younger dominant and an older submissive but my focus is on the Dom Daddy/bottom boy relationship. All my answers, comments and opinions will be based on that dynamic.
For me, the essence of the Daddy/boy relationship is one of the older man being a mentor/role model/father figure to a younger man. This alone sets up a power dynamic as Daddy is a man the boy looks to for direction, supervision and security. A Daddy accepts those responsibilities and in return expects obedience from his boy. As should happen in all power exchange relationships, limits and boundaries are discussed and agreed upon and full consent given. However, many boys are inexperienced when it comes to understanding these terms so one of Daddy’s first responsibilities is often to educate his boy about them. I’ve heard several horror stories from boys who got into relationships with older men having no idea what would be expected of them and so found themselves in bad and even dangerous positions. I don’t consider men like that to be Daddies as they don’t prioritize a boy’s well being but instead exploit a boy’s vulnerability. Educating young men that they do have rights and choices even though they are being submissive is one of the things I try to accomplish through my tumblr blog.
A Daddy is a man who does make his boy’s well-being the main priority of the relationship. As the dominant partner, a Daddy can set rules, expect his boy to be sexually submissive and be a disciplinarian but is also affectionate and protective when necessary. As the submissive partner, a boy follows rules set for him, offers his body for his Daddy’s pleasure and submits to discipline as his Daddy sees fit. The degree of Domination/submission is up to each individual Daddy and boy to decide for themselves. I myself am open to what degree the Dom/sub dynamic will be present but have 2 basic requirements for a boy. Those being that he be exclusively bottom sexually and willingly submits to disciplinary spankings as I decide they are needed.
For me, an age difference is important. Having a certain amount of life experience is vital to being a good Daddy as a boy is looking to learn from that experience. That brings me back to my first statement about the Daddy/boy relationship being about an older man being a mentor and role model which is what a boy needs.
MasterMarc: If Iook at your definition of a daddy/boy relationship than i have to say that most of the points are for me also part of the definition of a master/slave relationship. Where do you see the differences between daddy/boy and slave/master relationships?
Daddy in Charge: There are certainly similarities in the Daddy/boy and Master/slave relationship in that both are based on a Dominant/submissive dynamic and if living a Daddy/boy lifestyle, possibly a total power exchange dynamic. I think they are different though both in their mindsets and goals. I should define how I define the Master/slave relationship as our definitions may be different. I see it as a relationship in which the Master has total control and all activity is geared toward his pleasure and satisfaction. A slave may have limits which are respected and can walk away at any time but otherwise, everything he does is for the pleasure of his Master. A slave is there solely to serve his Master. A Master is responsible for a slave’s well being as a valuable piece of property but does not have to consider his slave’s desires or feelings in how he chooses to use his slave. Indeed a slave’s desires are irrelevant. A true slave also knows this is who he is and accepts these conditions in his relationship with a Master.
In a Daddy/boy relationship however, a boy’s feelings and desires must be taken into account. He is not there solely for Daddy’s pleasure. He is often still in the process of figuring out his identity as he’s not had much, if any, actual experience in being submissive. One of a Daddy’s responsibilities is to help his boy figure out his identity. Another is to provide the emotional and affectionate support that is needed by a boy. In my many conversations with boys, I have found that being sexually submissive and subject to discipline are very much desired but just as strong is the need for affection and approval from his Daddy. A Daddy needs to be able to provide all of this for his boy. By doing so, he allows the boy to learn about himself and decide if this is truly what he wants to be.
There are also differences in the methods used by a Master and a Daddy. The Master/slave relationship usually includes heavier elements of SM play. The Daddy/boy relationship is typically set in a more domestic type of interaction. For instance, if a slave is to be punished, it may involve bondage, use of whips or floggers and other advanced play. In a Daddy/boy relationship, punishment is given through more boyish punishments such as spankings, corner time, chores, groundings, etc. There are Daddy/boy couples with whom I’ve spoken that don’t even consider themselves as part of the BDSM community as they have no interest in the heavier forms of play nor do they have any interest in wearing the leather, rubber or other fetish wear that often seems a requirement to be considered as part of the BDSM community.
I do realize that much of this is generalization and certainly doesn’t apply to all Daddy/boy or Master/slave relationships. Each relationship is going to be unique depending on the individuals who make up the relationship. I do think though that it does describe for the most part the differences in these types of relationships.
MasterMarc: I agree with you totally. Every sm relationship is different. As i have written in essays and also in other interviews, there isn’t A right way to live it, but there are definitely wrong ways. What are in your eyes total no-goes in a daddy/boy relationship?
Daddy in Charge: The biggest no-go is using a boy’s inexperience and vulnerability as a way to control him. I read some guys who say they are Daddies but expect a boy to do anything he’s told simply because he’s the Daddy so the boy has no choice. I think it’s a Daddy’s responsibility to introduce a boy to various things but do it gradually so he can get some experience and decide what’s right or wrong for him. There are certain things, such as bringing in another Dad or boy, that need to be discussed. Boys are often too nervous to say how they feel so a Daddy needs to talk to him so he knows how his boy feels.
Other no-goes are similar to other Dom/sub relationships such any real physical or emotional abuse, not allowing limits or forcing a boy to do something without his consent. As I’ve said, I’ve heard from boys who were treated that way and it really fucks them up. That can make for some great porn but in reality can do some real psychological damage to a boy. It’s my strong belief that the role of a Daddy is to help a boy understand himself and work towards accepting that.
MasterMarc: What do you think is the motivation of a boy to search such an experience and relationship?
Daddy in Charge: There’s no single motivation. For some, it’s simple curiosity. For others, it’s a way to work through “Daddy issues” because of difficulty they’ve had with their actual fathers or lack of a father figure when they were growing up. It’s a shame that the term “Daddy issues” is often used disparagingly and even as a way to shame young guys that have these feelings. I do believe it’s a real issue for them. It doesn’t go away and the shaming can make them feel they need to suppress it. I believe it’s better to deal with those issues but with a Daddy who understands it. For the most part though, I think it’s just another type of orientation. For whatever reason, their sexuality has just developed this way. It’s no different than others for whom a certain fetish is central to their sexuality.
MasterMarc: Why is for you discipline and punishment so important? What kind of feelings do you have by punishing boys?
Daddy in Charge: The main reason it’s important for me is that it’s probably my own biggest fetish. I’ve been fantasizing about spanking and being punished since I was a teen. In those days I identified as the boy looking to get punished by a Daddy whereas now it’s the opposite. One reason it’s important to this fetish as a way of expressing the Dom/sub dynamic of the relationship. Daddy is in charge and a boy has rules to follow. If a boy breaks the rules, there needs to be a consequence to that which is being punished. For me, punishment almost means a spanking which is done with the boy over my knee. What’s more important though is the emotional aspect of it, especially for the boy. Many of the boys into this scene have a real desire, even a need to be punished because they see themselves as bad boys in some way. Using a boyish punishment like spanking emphasizes both his status as a boy as well as fulfilling that need to atone for being a bad boy. He accepts his punishment in order to be a good boy in Dad’s eyes again. There can also be a deep emotional bonding that occurs during a spanking. Even though Daddy might be causing him pain, he is still there for his boy as someone on whom he can count and who has the boy’s interests at heart. With a Daddy who knows him well and who the boy trusts, a boy can finally let go of holding emotions inside and have the cathartic experience he needs. It’s always followed up by lots of tender aftercare.
I experience several feelings when I’m spanking a boy. Certainly getting horny is one as giving a spanking does make me hard. I do ignore that though as discipline isn’t about sex. There is also the feeling of power that comes with a boy submitting himself to me. I have feelings of empathy for the boy for the pain he’s feeling but as his Daddy, I do what I feel is necessary. The best feeling though is one of satisfaction in knowing I’m allowing my boy to fully experience the fantasy he’s had about having a Daddy who will punish him.
MasterMarc: What are your advises for a boy who is searching for such a daddy? How can the boy find out, if a man is a real daddy who will also take care about him?
Daddy in Charge: My advice is to take your time, don’t rush into anything. If you meet a man who is a potential Daddy, get to know him before making any commitment to him. Ask him what he’ll expect of you as his boy so you know what you’re getting into. Talk to him about any fears or worries you have. Does he listen to you? Does he address your fears? Does he show interest in you as a person beyond sex play? If you have limits you’re aware of, does he agree to respect that? Does what he want from a boy match with what you want from a Daddy? A real Daddy shouldn’t have any problem doing any of this as he should want to get to know you as well to decide if you’re right for each other.
A man who isn’t interested in any of this but instead just wants to give orders that he expects to be followed without question, shows no regard for your needs or fears or is in any way abusive whether physically, mentally or emotionally, walk away. He isn’t a real Daddy.
MasterMarc: What would you say to a newbie daddy who is asking you, how to do the first steps as daddy with a boy? What qualities should he have as daddy and man?
Daddy in Charge: The first thing a Daddy needs to do is think about the type of Daddy he is and what he wants from a boy. Is he very strict, is he aggressive, is he a gentler dominant? Does he want a boy who’s fully submissive, a boy who challenges him, a boy who wants to be shared with other Daddies? These are a few possibilities. When meeting a potential boy, I think there needs to be a conversation about what each other wants. A Daddy should know who he is and what he wants so he can make that clear to the boy. He should ask the boy about himself as well. Many boys are quite shy when talking about their needs so it often falls to Daddy to get him to talk about it. This also helps to determine if you’re compatible. If you are compatible and looking to get into a relationship, I think it’s a good idea to take things slowly at first, particularly with an inexperienced boy. Let the boy get to know you so that he can learn to trust you. A boy should know what to expect but it all doesn’t need to happen on the first date.
Each Daddy is going to be different but there’s a few essential qualities I think a Daddy should have. The most important quality for me is having a sense of empathy for his boy so that Daddy knows when to push him and when to back off and hold him. Consistency is another important quality so his boy doesn’t have to guess what sort of reaction he might get. Being firm but also fair with a boy is important as well. As a man, he should be someone his boy can look up to and want to emulate. A man’s actual behavior will say a lot more than words. Honesty and integrity are qualities that go a long way in being a good role model for a boy.
MasterMarc: Thank you DaddyinCharge. I think we have mentioned a lot of points about daddy/boy relationships and I am sure we will continue to talk about this topic here on sadOsam. Would you have anything else to add now?
Daddy in Charge: First, thanks for the opportunity to discuss this topic. I’ve found there are many guys, younger and older, who share this fetish but still have feelings of shame about it. I hope by bringing it out into the open, they can begin to see that it’s not so uncommon and that what they feel is not something they need to feel badly about. Instead, it can be a lifestyle that is satisfying and fills needs that they have. To the younger men who are seeking Daddies, I’d like to say there’s no need to rush into anything. Get to know a man who’s a potential Daddy so that you know he’s right for your before committing to being his boy. To the Daddies out there, this lifestyle can be very fulfilling but there’s much responsibility that comes with it and that needs to be taken seriously. To both Daddies and boys, keep communication open. There’s no right or wrong way to have this type of relationship. It’s up to the two of you to define how your relationship will work. I look forward to more discussion and hearing others’ perspectives on the Daddy/boy lifestyle.