There is the man, the breadwinner of his family, his wife, who is taking care about the house and of course, sex, with only the goal of reproduction, to produce as many child as possible. This was never a correct world view, only an ignorant. Life is more colorful than just black and white. 50 years ago the stonewall riots have been the start of our western fight for same rights for gays and lesbians. But it is easy to forget that in the first row there have also been fighting a lot of transvestites. However, have that really been transvestites or is that again just a simplification? The world is not binary we had to learn, and the colors and shadows are even more various than most of us realize. Today I got a very special guest with me: Femboy Joe sees himself as femboy who is taking transgender hormones.

Femboy Joe

1988 | 182 cm | 74 kg
London (UK)

Hi Joe. Who and what are you?

Hi! I am a Nonbinary femboy! I am transgender but I have no plans to transition fully. Instead I’m having fun playing with gender in the middle ground. I still present as male and most of my partners identify as gay. My body runs on oestrogen and not testosterone and as a consequence my body is very queer. I like the femboy label as it implies something cute, effeminate but not female.

We all have grown up in a binary society. How difficult was it for yourself to realize what you are, to find yourself and to accept it?

It’s taken a long time and required a bit of courage to take the first steps! I grew up in South Africa which is a very conservative society. It wasn’t until I moved to the UK a few years ago that I could even begin to explore being myself. I am lucky to live in London where it is easier to be yourself. It was scary to take the first few steps but as my body began to change it became easier and easier – because it felt right! I love my body more than ever. I love how I feel. So it’s been really easy to be me and accept me! The challenges I’ve faced have all been created by other people. The body is political!

I can imagine that it is a way that feels right but it can be a rocky and exhausting path. How do you have motivated yourself to continue this journey and to fight also against some windmills of our society.

I don’t require anymore motivation than a mirror! I love my body. To deal with society and the stress of other people’s ideas about who and what I am does require work. I have a psychologist and good friends! It really helps to surround yourself with happy and mature friends. Queer people make for the best friends! The life experiences of most lgbti+ people give them a self awareness that makes them great friends and allies.

I also find relief in bdsm! I am submissive and masochistic. I enjoy handing over control to a Dom. Stepping outside of myself for a period while I do service. If I need something deeper I might turn to getting hurt in safe, sane and consensual way. It can be a big relief to just let it all out with a good cry!

The Master as a therapist. 🙂 You’re not the only sub I know who gets positive feelings for his live out of the sm. When did you start to live your kinky side and what have been your first step into this world?

I have always been attracted to Dominant men. To the detriment of my younger self! I think my first experience of sadism and service was at boarding school. The school I went to still had a fagging system in place where the youngest boys would do tasks for the oldest boys. Polishing shoes for example. No wonder I have an attraction to boot-blacking! If we messed up our duties we would be “jacked” – hit three times with a cricket bat or hockey stick! Not a healthy introduction but it seems to have made an impression! So it’s not surprising that sex for me has always involved elements of control and pain. It wasn’t until I moved to London that I got the chance to formalise my interest and to explore it safely. The website Recon has been an important part of that for me. I have meet some good Doms that way. My ex is a Master and I still do service for him. He showed me what safe and sane looks like. He gave me a lot of my first proper experiences with pain and service. He is the only person I trust enough to choke me.

Recently I started to go to bdsm parties and events. Again Recon events have been a great way to get started. Any excuse to wear latex! So it’s been a slow start and I have lots of catching up to do!

It is mostly a slow start but it is important to do this step. Oh you’re into choking. What is for your the special attraction of it?

The feeling of strong hands on my neck. The fear of feeling my consciousness slip away. The trust required to let my body go limp in someone else’s hands. The dark idea that my Dom could cross a line if he dared – it’s as close to crossing the line as you can get! Regaining consciousness can also be a dreamlike experience. It puts me straight into subspace!

Can you tell us a little more about your choke play?

So blood chocking is a risky form of edge play so I don’t want to encourage others to do it without first finding out what the risks are. Gentle pressure is applied to the sides of the neck to restrict blood flow to the brain. The airways is not restricted! So this is not breath play (which is fun too!) The drop in blood pressure causes a brief loss of consciousness. Most sessions for me start with my flat on my back so I don’t hurt myself when I pass out. I like a bit of struggle play beforehand. I like to know my Dom can over power me and that he controls my body. Then he would place a hand gently around my neck and I would struggle for a bit before I faint. Sometimes as I wake up my Dom will be kissing me or just looking down at me making sure I’m ok. Occasionally we do other things but a boy needs to keep some secrets!

Ohhhhh …. secrets ….. I hate that! :))) Are you just into sexual dominance or do you like dominance in general?

I want a Dominant force in my life. So this applies equally inside and outside the bedroom. I am into domestic service in a big way. In another life I would have made the most perfect house wife! I can cook and bake, I know how to fold fitted sheets and clean silverware haha I love running a home. I think 24/7 Dom/sub relationships take a lot of work and I don’t know if I could follow protocols constantly. But I can certainly be submissive in all aspects of life. However, I am not a slave. The distinction can get blurred at times but I don’t honk I will ever cross that line. But who knows!

What is in your eyes the difference between a slave and what you are?

I think a slave gives up everything to their Master. It’s a lot of work looking after a slave properly. I feel a slave let’s go of the ego more than I would be prepared to do. If a Dom wanted to shave his slaves head he could just do it. My Dom would have to catch me first if he intends to do anything to my hair! A Dom would have to negotiate with me before I would let him shave my head. I would submit to it but I would really really not want to do it. So I guess it’s a question of the level of autonomy and control that I am willing to give up that makes me a submissive and not a slave. Is that a fair assessment?

I’m not lying about having to catch me to cut my hair! I don’t like how masculine I look with short hair. I would fight even the toughest Doms if they came at me with a shaver! So I am definitely not a slave hahaha!

I was asking as there aren’t any standards in bdsm beside the consent, so everyone has his own defenitions. You’ve told us, that you really love pain. What is the attraction of it?

When that first blow hits a chemical reaction starts. My skin becomes a little moist. My breathing quickens. The part of my brain dedicated to fight or flight kicks in and starts to prep the body with chemicals. As the blows build up I have to force the fight or flight part of my brain to submit because I’m not going be doing either! This kicks the brain into hyperdrive – flooding the body with endorphins. So part of the experience is chemical. I also enjoy the mental discipline that has to happen to override my bodies need to avoid the pain.

I am attracted to sadists. I could never hurt someone – not even consensually – and so I find myself fascinated at how some people not only can hurt others but can also enjoy doing it! In a consensual way of course! I am grateful sadists exists because I need to be hurt. And by some trickery I feel safe around sadists. Maybe it’s because they are honest about their desires. I’m still trying to figure out why I am attracted to sadomasochism.

Another reason I like pain is because it can make me cry. Nothing beats a good cry at cleansing the soul of negative emotion. I like Doms who are comfortable with crying and understand it’s just an emotional release. I like the feeling of calm that descends after a hard SM session and a good cry. I become super pliable and relaxed during that time! If you want to shave my head that’s probably the best time to try hahaha

I understand what you mean. I have to say that I love to see and feel boys suffering for me but I would never be able to torture a boy I don’t like. The way I use it it is just another kind of tenderness, a painfull tenderness. 🙂 Out of experience every boy has his own view what good and bad pain is. I’m just talking about the pain a boy gets at sessions and not about any personal problems. What kind of pain is for you good pain and which you like less? Can you describe us the differences you feel between the two categories of pain?

I understand what you mean by tenderness. I think intention is an important part of what distinguishes bad and good pain for me. For example I don’t like being punched but that is because my experience of it has been with people who were disrespecting me. With the right Dom I would see punching as a good kind of pain. That said I definitely have a preference for short sharp pains over blunt pain. So more whipping and spanking but less trampling and punching. Cock and ball torture is something I am unsure of. I have had some sessions I absolutely loved. For example being on all fours and having my balls paddled is great! But I have had sessions I absolutely hated – having my balls squeezed really hard or kicked is a definite turn off. But perhaps I just didn’t trust that Dom and so couldn’t get into it.

Another type of pain I like is pain that comes from being overpowered or the pain that comes from being tied up in a stress position. It’s a slow painful reminder that I am not in control! In those moments my body is not mine. I have to trust my Dom and trust he will release me at some point. And when the release does eventually come it’s a full body experience!

You’re totally right if you say that the intention/motivation of the pain giver is the big difference. That is the reason why hot-headed guys are not good masters. Even more as a fit of rage is just a sign that you’ve lost control …. and as master you have to be in control. Do you still have some pain and impact play fantasies you haven’t lived yet and do you share them with us?

Lots! I’ve never been chained up and whipped. I’ve seen some sessions where the chains keep the boy completely suspended. They can squirm all they want but it won’t help! I like the idea of that. The most restraint I have had during pain play is wrist cuffs. I would like to experience more loss of control during a SM session. I’m scared! But I believe I can handle it. Especially if there is a build up.

I have never experience pain from electricity – there was this one time I touched a live wire but that doesn’t count! Haha so I would like to see what that is like.

Would you classify needles as pain play? I’m curious about needles from a pain perspective. I often take my own blood (for hormone blood tests) and I like the pain of a needle going into the skin. I get a bit faint though so I want someone else to do it to me hahaha.

I think the pain kink is going to keep on giving!

You really seem to be a little pain pig, boy. Can you imagine to switch in such a hard session?

No! It would give me emotional whiplash!

So your sex is non-binary but your sexual life has to be more or less binary. 🙂 What do you think as non-binary guy that other kinksters use sissification and other ways of feminisation in sessions to humiliate bottoms?

Hahahaha yes I am very binary when it comes to submission. But I can work on that!

Sissification and gender based humiliation is a hard limit for me. I have a life times worth of gender based humiliation and I don’t want anymore. I will not kink shame anyone who is into it. I used to do it. I loved the space it provided for exploring the fem side of being a boy. I would encourage some critical thought. Do you really believe someone is less than just because they display feminine traits? Or are you just having fun crossing arbitrary boundaries set by other people? Intent here is important and worth examining. But the kink itself is hot.

I was quite sure you would answer this way and I understand your point of view. Hard pain the way you like it is also for many people a hard limit but it can not be a reason to condemn your desires. So if nobody of the involved people is offended by the gender based humiliation is it bad to play this game?

No I wouldn’t say it’s bad. You do you! As long as it’s safe, risk aware and consensual. I only encourage you to take a moment to think about why you find it humiliating. You might learn something. You might not! I think there is lots of fun to be had in gender based play.

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