A day after Halloween we talk with a GAY GOTHIC GUY about his lifestyle and his fetish.
MasterMarc: Hi gayfetishgoth. You’re gay, you love fetish and you live the Gothic Lifestyle. I think this is the lifestyle which the society conects often with dark places, scary sound, black cloths, secret satanic ceremonies and hard SM sex. Is that really the gothic lifestyle or just what people think about? Can you give us an insight what it means to live the gothic lifestyle?
gayfetishgoth: I think the BSDM and Gothic cultures share a lot of parallels; both are misunderstood. Living the Gothic lifestyle means different things to different people. Goths do not all spend our nights in cemeteries, we don’t all wear black. We are not all Satanists, or Vampire wannabes, nor we are not all about S&M, any more than people in the BDSM lifestyle all have dungeons in their basement, wear leather and like to be smacked with a riding crop.
Of course, there are some Satanist Goths, just like there are leather-wearing dungeon-keeping fetishists. Each Goth is a unique individual with a common thread- the Goth subculture stems from its music, which is a lush, dark and seductive genre which celebrates the beauty of darker things.For me, (and I believe many other Gothic people,) we find beauty in the darkness, and celebrate the beauty and wonder of life, and of the daytime by acknowledging and admiring the beauty of the darkness and death; a bit of contrast to heighten the senses, and the mind. Much like S&M mixes pleasure with pain to enhance the senses, Gothic culture mixes darkness and death with beauty and life to enhance the experience of living.
We’re a remarkably accepting sub-culture, open to accepting those who are different and weird, united in our love for the darker side of things. For some Goths, its about being who they want to be, and dressing differently to stand apart. For others, it’s about passion and contrast. For some still, it’s just about the music. For me, personally, it’s a combination of music, passion, and sexuality.
MasterMarc: Can you tell us, how the sexuality is part of your lifestlye and how you combine it with the other elements of the goth lifestyle?
gayfetishgoth: I believe that sexuality is, to one degree or another, part of everyone’s lifestyle; some more actively than others. For me personally, sexuality is part of who we are as humans—it’s embedded in our instincts and at the core of our physical and emotional existence. It is an intimate act shared with another person, (or persons,) that brings physical and emotional satisfaction. It’s enjoyable, so I try to make sexuality a big part of my day to day life, and because both sexuality and gothic culture are things that I enjoy, they overlap quite a bit. Growing up as a Goth, my early sexual experiences involved a lot of fetish elements, in part because of my choice in sexual partners, and in part because a lot of gothic fashion involves leather, latex, PVC, and bondage elements such as cuffs and collars. These experiences fed something visceral and primal within me, and still does now. The contrast of intimate and passionate experiences combined with the contrast of fetish elements is at the very core of what Gothic culture is all about. It’s a celebration of contrasts and passions, life and death. Sex, (at least good sex,) is also freeing, passionate, and filled with contrasts. For example, the freedom to explore another person’s body, their desires and kinks– to tease each of their five senses, but doing so by limiting their freedom or depriving them of some senses.
Also, looking like a stereotypical gothic person the majority of the time tends to lend itself to the attention of those who have a sexual desire or fantasy related to the Gothic culture. So, while I hate to fit a stereotype, I have had a number of partners who were aroused by the idea of submitting to a ‘sinister goth guy’, I’ve done a lot of vampire roleplay and the like. While it’s cliché, I enjoy these types of scenes, because a part of me enjoys the pleasure I am able to give other people by helping them explore and enjoy their desires and fetishes.
MasterMarc: Of course stereotypes are always simplifying the reality. But would you say that it is more or less right, that for most goth people SM is part of their sexuality? And are there also typical sensations and emotions but also the role concept and responsiblities of the SM have influence to the gothic lifestyle?
gayfetishgoth: Stereotypes are driven by reality, so yes- I think it is true that the majority of Gothic people enjoy SM as part of their sexuality; the sensuality and darkness of pleasure and pain are too closely intertwined with the core of what Gothic culture is all about for it not to be part of our sexuality.
I think the SM roles overlap a bit into Gothic culture, in part because of Gothic fasion, but I don’t think that it is a keystone of the Goth culture, no. There are tops and bottoms, doms and subs in the Gothic culture, just like there are in any sub-culture. There are many Goths who are not into the SM culture, as well. I have many friends who are not part of the Gothic culture, but are part of other sub-cultures, (punks, chavs, skaters, emos, metalheads,…) and each of those sub-cultures also have their share of SM influences in their sexuality. I am inclined to say that the core concept of roles and responsibilities of the SM culture are universal, not exclusive of the Goth lifestyle. I think the difference is that Goths are, typically, more open and comfortable with their sexuality, and how they fit into SM roles than other sub-cultures may be, so it may be more apparent with Gothic people. The Gothic lifestyle is about the freedom to be comfortable with who you are, what you enjoy, and what your passions are- so naturally that would extend to sexuality.
MasterMarc: Would you say that the goth community is very openminded and tolerant of minorities outside and in their own community?
gayfetishgoth: Absolutely, yes. The Goth community is viewed as this scary, closed-door kind of thing. The perception is that if you aren’t Goth yourself, you won’t be accepted by other Goths This is absolutely not the case. For the most part, Goths are very open-minded people, who are interested in new experiences and understanding other people and the things other people enjoy. The very heart of the Gothic sub-culture is its diversity, and the core of Gothic culture is the ideal of people being free to be who they want to be. Within the Goth culture itself, you will find some remarkably unique individuals, with a very diverse range of interests and tastes. Most Goths I know are of the mindset where if we are dressed like an absolute freak, and look scary, and you’re still interested in talking to us and getting to know the person behind the look, than we probably like you already. Sub-cultures are not something that can be firmly defined; there is no solid-state definition of who is a Goth, and who isn’t- and I think that’s a good thing. Of course, there are some assholes in the Goth community who aren’t open, but that it true of any sub-culture. My experience is that there are fewer assholes and douchebags in the Goth sub-culture than most others that I have been fortunate enough to experience.
MasterMarc: I think it’s time to get a little inside into Goth bedrooms. 🙂 Do you think that the Goth SM looks different?
gayfetishgoth: Without a doubt, yes. For the most part, Goths have little inhibitions, and are not overly concerned with how other people perceive us. As a result, Goths are a little more receptive to being a little more adventurous in the bedroom and/or playroom. While many people imagine we all drink blood by candlelight, and have sex in cemeteries, there is some truth in that stereotype. Goths seem a little more open to S&M experiences that lean a little more towards edge play, and are more willing to experiment or try new things. We have a reputation for being edgy and pushing the limits, and that absolutely is true beneath the sheets, in the sling, and yes, occasionally, on the headstone.
MasterMarc: How important are cloths, toys and props for gothic sm?
gayfetishgoth: Absolutely yes. S&M gear is, in many ways, an integral part of the Gothic culture. The presence of cuffs, collars, gloves, boots and bondage attire are staples in day to day Gothic attire. Very often S&M gear carries over from the dance floor into the bedroom. From my experience, most goths have a paraphilia fixation on some form of gear or another. Gothic people are, in many ways, very sexually liberal, and the incorporation of toys and props not only helps enhance the physical experience, it helps create more of a scene or atmosphere. For me personally, I can not remember the last sexual encounter I had which did not incorporate some fetish gear, toys, and props.
I would also say that many Goths are fluid in their S&M gear preferences. Much like one changes accessories and outfits, goths are “gear chameleons”, adopting an interest in different gear depending on the existing interests of our partners, varied mood, (or in some cases, purely based on what the most attractive guys are wearing in the club.) For many Goths, a variety of partners, experiences, and gear over time builds a repertoire of varied fetish and gear interests that stick with us.
MasterMarc: Even if it is about clichés could you shock us a little with a satanic experience or a morbid ceremony in combination with sm you have been part of?
gayfetishgoth: *laughs* Oh, I could write a book… I have had many encounters with “normal people” (non-Goths) who were looking for the stereotypical Gothic fantasy. I’ve done a number of scenes involving blood play, (though I am fairly careful about the associated risks involved with this.) I have custom vampire fangs which a dentist friend of mine made for me which have bitten any number of necks. I’ve roleplayed as demons and devils, some needle and breath play and have, admittedly, had sex in cemeteries, and once in a coffin (which was not very comfortable.) I even had one partner who wanted me to play dead… And while these are all cliches, a big part of enjoyment for me is being in a position to fulfill someone’s fantasies, and expanding my own horizons in the process…
I think I am in a somewhat unique position in that I don’t necessarily have a “type”, and am attracted to a wide variety of guys. As a result, I have had a diverse array of partners, with different sexual interests and fetishes. They come to me with their own existing interests, and see me as a gateway to some of their ‘darker’ fantasies. So, I try to combine them, and gain some new experiences. For example, I would never have considered sneakers sexually interesting if I hadn’t had a skater guy who wanted to submit to a vampire, and asked me to incorporate sneakers into the scene. I would never have had experience with CBT if it weren’t for a partner who wanted me to torture him that way. I don’t mind the cliches and stereotypical Gothic S&M scenes, as long as I get to incorporate other aspects into it. Truthfully, I get off on knowing that my partner is getting off on the scene– and if I can expand my experiences in the process, so much the better.
MasterMarc: That sounds interesting. 🙂 And of course we can always learn from each other. Yesterday was Halloween. Is that one of the Goth holidays and what makes it so special for you?
gayfetishgoth: Halloween is THE Goth holiday; it embodies the very spirit of what it is to be Goth! It’s about being yourself, and expressing yourself in unique and creative ways. It’s about enjoying the macabre and spooky, and revelling in the dark and obscure. It’s about all thinks dark and wonderful– and all of those things are at the heart of what it is to be a Goth everyday. In many ways, Halloween is the one day where everyone is a Goth, and every Goth feels like they are part of the rest of the world. Halloween is the one day where everyone else celebrates the things we celebrate everyday– with the added bonus of candy. And that’s really at the heart of it– for Goths, everyday is Halloween.