A reader of my Tumblr blog asked me to write an article “what or who helped to truly embrace what you are.”
Let me start with some background before I get to the heart of my assignment. I recognised that I was different from the other boys from a very young age, grade school. I couldn’t understand it but I knew that I was inferior to the other boys. I lacked the confidence they possessed and was athletically inferior. That fact was continually reinforced every time I was picked last for any type of athletic game. It wasn’t until years later when I got to junior high and high school that I found out (along with my classmates) how inferior I was between the legs.
As I got to junior high and high school I was sometimes bullied and learned very early on that there was nothing I could do about it. I had always been taught not to “tattle” so I just accepted it as my lot in life. I can never understand all the whining about bullying in the press these days. I look back at it as something that benefited me long term in that it helped me understand my place among men. I’m also sure it was beneficial to the boys picking on me for the same reason. Early on when I was called “faggot” the superior boys knew something about me that I didn’t know about myself. Through those years in school I became progressively more aware of my inferiority and learned to accept it.
In later years, I continued to recognize that I was different from other men. I didn’t have the self-confidence, ambition, physical strength (or the motivation to work for it), assertiveness, etc. of the men I admired. In short, I knew I was inferior to the point I couldn’t look men in the eyes and had even developed a subconscious habit of bowing my head in their presence. Even though I recognized my inferiority I worked hard to project the illusion to the world that I was a man. My subconscious body language may have betrayed me more than I realized because there were times when, upon seeing me, men would call me a faggot.
No matter what I accomplished personally, professionally or financially as an adult I was still terribly unhappy and suffered from long term depression. There was clearly something missing from my life, though I had no idea what it might be, and I regularly thought about suicide (but never seriously).
I was on-line one day looking through messages in a Yahoo group when I came upon one from a Master who wrote a piece called “Slaves Losing Pride & Dignity” (text posted here) that explained his method of breaking a slave of pride. I was so impressed with the article and him that I sent him a note telling him that I thought his article was excellent. I told him a little about myself and my belief that God, or nature, makes some men dominant and a much larger population submissive and it was nature’s intent for the submissive to serve the dominant. To my surprise he responded. He said he normally didn’t respond to the “inferior and submissive” but responded to me because I had made some astute observations and my email and didn’t contain any cliché “offer to serve.” He asked more about me. He had a very compelling way of communicating. His dominance and confidence came through in the way he communicated and I felt an immediate connection to him.
That started a regular correspondence where I learned more about him and I told him more and more about myself. He told me about how he had recognised himself as an Alpha at an early age. He had the advantage of having a father who was an Alpha. His father understood the purpose of fags and had regularly used them over the years. He passed that wisdom along to his son who enslaved his first fag when he was only in high school and subsequently owned a number of others. As he matured he developed his dominant traits that had served him well. He also developed a keen understanding of the class of inferior “men” who are born to serve the Alphas. He understood their minds and the compulsion to serve that drives them.
Almost as if I had lost my free will I found myself divulging very personal secrets about myself that I had never told another soul. I was unable to resist telling him anything he wanted to know. I told him about numerous instances where I had engaged in submissive behavior without even realizing I was engaging in such behavior. I told him things that would be devastatingly embarrassing, perhaps professionally crippling, if they were ever revealed. I was more honest with him about myself than I had been with anyone else, including myself.
As the correspondence continued he became the most important person in my life and was constantly in my head. He was literally the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep. Anytime I got an email from him it was the highlight of my day and my hands literally shook as I opened it. Through his guidance I came to understand that I was inferior to all men and had an obligation to treat them with the upmost respect and deference. I became very submissive and respectful towards all men that I encountered whether it was on the street, at work or anywhere else. I learned to consider all men my superior and treated them as such. When I was driving I became the most courteous driver on the road. If someone wanted to cut in ahead of me I was fine with it. Any of the impolite road behavior that used to piss me off in the past, I was now accepting of it. I occasionally gave gifts to men I knew but I didn’t like as a way to demonstrate deference. I held doors open, I fetched coffee, anything I could do for a man brought a little joy to my life. He helped me to realize that until I have settled into a life of true servitude and a superior is directing me I would not be complete.
I realized one day that I considered this man my Master even though we had never spoke of it. I told him that I considered myself his slave. I think he beat me to that conclusion. With this true understanding that my place in the male hierarchy was at the very bottom I found that I was more content than I had ever been before. I realized my purpose in life and even though it meant that I was to sacrifice myself for the benefit of those men who were superior to me it was the happiest I had ever been.
One day he sent me a task to complete that was a “test.” It was very difficult and demeaning and came at a very bad time. I had had a terrible day and was exhausted. I responded badly and terribly inappropriately given my station and who I was addressing. I immediately regretted it and quickly apologized. Unfortunately, I never heard from him again. I was devastated.
Years later, every time I open my email I have a hope that I will hear from him again and each time I’m a little disappointed. He was one of the most influential people in my life and I still appreciate what he did for me. Understanding myself was the most freeing experience of my life.
I had a couple questions about the communications I had with my mentor/Master that I was talking about yesterday in my narrative so I’ve cut out a snippet of an email to him and his response back to me.
My email to him.
… I mowed the lawn and was in the garage after I finished when a Lowe’s truck pulled up to the next-door neighbour’s house with the cab in front of mine. It occurred to me that this could be an opportunity to demonstrate my submission but I dismissed that thought. Then I thought, “No, my Master instructed me to seek these out.” I was planning on spraying the dandelions so I took my bottle of weed killer out to the front yard and as the two men were finishing up I worked my way over to where the truck was parked. When one of the men approached me as he was headed to the cab, I looked at him and said “hello Sir.” He said hi and said, “Killing all the weeds?” Then I missed an opportunity when I said, “trying.” I realised that I should have responded, “Yes Sir.” Still, it felt good.
His response back to me.
“…The opportunities that were presented to you were very real and may seem incidental now, but again, they weave their way beautifully into your training. You write that the more that you demonstrate your inferiority and submission to real men, the easier it will become. I like knowing that it’s still somewhat awkward for you to a degree. That you have to choke out “…sssssSir..” but it will get easier and your next task should be even less complicated. The fact that you caught and stopped yourself from almost losing an opportunity shows some real growth in a very short period. Did you notice how seamlessly you have gotten back into the role you were destined for? With some simple pushes from me, you are regarding ALL men as superior males. Your heart has the mark of the slave on it.
You are already viewing every man that you meet as better than you. No matter what their station in life is. So, a delivery man is better than you and he knows it too. You did more than just show him the respect that he was due…you elevated him in HIS OWN MIND to the status of superior. You are building up the men you encounter. Making them more assertive, more confident, more aggressive while at the same time, demeaning and subjugating yourself. He walked with more pride after meeting an inferior like you. His cock was pumped more as yours shrivelled. A nameless drone sub who looked at him, head slightly bowed, and showed him respect. Tomorrow he will seek out more opportunities and more weak males….”