Alright, lately I’ve been having some talks with people who just recently have gotten kinky. And there were always certain points that seem to struck me as very common when we talked about their journey. That is that before they joined the BDSM world, they all had misconceptions about it, an image of it which was just not real, and it kept them from trying and living out their kinkyness for quite a long time. So in this article, I want to clear up some of these, apparently common, warped views that some of you may have.
The thing I heard the most, in essence, is this:
“Before I got into Kink, I thought everybody just lived their fetishes out all the time.”
This sentence actually has two misconceptions in it, so lets split it. First, we got this.
The Majority of the BDSM World lives it 24/7
I can understand why this thought is common in the time of social media. You scroll down a timeline, and it’s easy to think people are living out their kinks constantly. But that’s not true.
The vast majority of kinksters are still normal people like you or me. They still have private and business lives, and often are not even interested in having their life completely fetish dominated. And even though some fantasize about it, in the end they still want a balanced life, and fetish comes mostly behind job and family etc. Though sometimes they try to live it out with small things, like wearing a plug or chastity device.
I hear often from friends that they not have much action for a few weeks between a day or a weekend where they have a session. That also applies to Master/slave relationships btw.
While there are a few people who live together as Masters/Doms and slaves/gimps/etc, these people are only a minor percentage of kinksters. More often they have a relationship where they meet occasionally for some fun, and otherwise, chat and phone a lot (and may sometimes have some online fun 🙂 )
And even if they live together, they’re not necessarily doing daily full on kink. They also have normal routines. I live with my Master. But I’m not sleeping in a hard floor or in a cage every day of every year. That’d break my back at some point! I also have to work, and sometimes have a bad day, and need to relax. And so does he. He’s not in the mood for my full servitude every day. And sometimes we also just want to have a normal dinner, or maybe an evening in front of the TV or console 🙂
That also goes for gearheads btw. Do you know how much effort it is to get in and out of gear, and to clean everything up so you your furniture and floor don’t become a iceskating space from silicone lube/latex shiner, and your gear won’t get spots or damaged etc? It’s a lot of work, and frankly, I wouldn’t want to do it every single day.
They all live fetishes intensively
Now we get to the second point, which is also related to this. When thinking about fetish, most people have this extreme picture in their mind. A slave who is completely dominated, someone in extreme pain, someone absolutely humiliated. Those pictures, when you see such in the web, stick in ones mind. But in reality, most people aren’t like that.
They just want to live out their kinks to a certain border, and don’t want to go over that. Many even have only soft kinks, like wanting to play in a special outfit. Or bondage, up to a certain degree, so they still feel safe. Sometimes they also want to have someone give them orders or to give such to, but that’s all for them. Besides that, they’re still are and think of themselves as human, and want to be treated that way.
So you don’t have to be a full on absolute serving slave pup sub or whatever, especially from the get-go. Nobody expects that. Just try out the things you want in the intensity you want. If you don’t want to go past a certain border, it’s fine. And if it becomes something you want to dwelve deeper into, and want to explore it, that’s fine too. There’s all kinds of kinksters in this world, which live out their stuff in their own intensity. Which actually brings me to the next point.
There are only complete Masters and complete Slaves in the BDSM World.
No. That is like saying there is only black and white in this world. This is outdated.
First, there is more to fetish than just Masters and slaves. There are doms, subs, pups, rubber entusiasts, gimps, handlers, cats, servants, dads, sons… There are many articles here on them.
You also don’t have to be just one thing. You can be many of these. Doesn’t need to be of just one side either. There are many who want to experience both to be submissive as well as dominant. Such things are often also dependant on who you’re playing with in the moment and how you connect with him. Different people awaken different things in us.
Actually, there is even more to this Master/Slave misconception that many have in their mind. The rule of 2.
I know many people who like to play with various others on different occasions and in different ways. But when they find a Master/Dom/Slave/Sub etc, they suddenly say/think:
Once you’re slave/Master or similar to someone, you can’t be in another relationship or have fun with others.
And I get it very much actually. I did the same when I met my Master. I wanted to focus on my him, and nobody else. Many slaves want to completely commit themselves to their Masters, and vice versa. That’s fine, and seems natural and normal. But you also don’t have to.
In my life, I’ve talked to:
- Dominants and submissives who, despite in a relationship, together and separately still continue to play with others.
- Dominants who have multiple commited submissives.
- Men who are commited submissives to more than one Dominant.
- Slaves to one (in some cases plural) who are also Master to someone else (in some cases plural).
- People who have a normal relationship (sometimes husband), and have a serious power exchange relationship with another person, communicated and agreed to by their partner/husband.
- A pup who is also Handler to another pup, who is handler to another pup, who is handler to the first pup. (maybe forgotten one pup here, it was complicated for me to understand xD)
- And many others.
These kind of quirky, fun relationships all exist out there. And they work for them. They like each of the people close to them, in their own, and different ways.
And even if they play with other people, these feelings don’t just go away. These feelings are still in their heart. They just want to have fun, and see, and experiment. Maybe even bring back some interesting new knowledge to try out, and grow your kinky arsenal 😉
You get the picture. It’s completely fine to commit to someone and that person only, if thats you. But you also don’t have to if you don’t want to. Just do what you think feels right for you. Even if it’s absolutely not standard.
I’ve not touched many subtopics here yet, as there are a lot, and they are interwoven. Some I even yet have to grasp fully. But I wanted to at least talk about a few here. Maybe I’ll get back to them in the future. In the meantime I hope everything I’ve written here is actually right and makes sense (sometimes I got a little ranting), and it helped you at least a little to get a better picture of the fetish world.
And of course, there are those people that fit to some part those images you have in your mind. They do very kinky stuff, some try to live it 24/7. But please, remind yourself, that even they, in the end, are still human. They aren’t sinister monsters trying to lure you in their dungeons to devour you. If they try to get you in there, they want to have fun together with you 😉 So don’t be scared if they approach you. You can talk to them normally about things.