Suffering brings my life meaning. I respect anyone who goes to pain for pleasure. It’s scary to get whipped, or caned, or ballbusted and if you can pull through , the pleasure that comes later makes it’s much better. I don’t feel like I stack up to some much grander masochists which I’ve seen, in fact, what I’ve done has paled in comparison to that of some others I’ve met.
There was one shoot I was doing where I and this slave were being pegged outside and before the other slave was pegged, he was mercilessly beaten to the point that he was nearly bleeding (legally where I am, you cannot show blood in your content, or at least, to my knowledge, it is a credit issue)
This guy was being so brutally beaten that it made me wince in pain for him, but he on the other hand just kept taking it. Not only that, but to a much more wicked step did he go by not hardly making any noise. It became almost boring by virtue of the lack of his reaction.
I’ve noticed most times that people tend to like seeing the reaction. It often makes me wonder why it is that people like to see these reactions so much, I mean, is it any coincidence that people are so attracted to react videos and watching daring feats? Or rather, is there a specific purpose that the masses are all so attracted to these things?
One must ask themselves; Do I like watching others suffer and be helpless, or do I like the idea that someone is able to suffer so immeasurably badly yet still come out standing on top of their feet?… COuld it be an inner attracton to the viriliance and fortitude of that which is not only man but living, a life form at all?
I know it seems a bit speculative and even a bit fortudous to go on asking about deeper meanings related to hatred and admiration when it comes to fetishistic provocations of violence, but to me, this is all a matter of psyche.
Sex is one of the biggest driving forces of the human race. It drives us to do odious and maddening things, whether it be the conquest to have it, or the protection of our own vowes, or the stiffling of fetishes and kinks which create taboos, leading one to crave their act that much more.
Look out and about and see sex everywhere, it permeates our culture ad rules, determines what we get to even do in our day to day lives, most times it is deprived from us due to our peers ad social stigmas surrounding the bedtime acts, yet it is something we are compelled biologically to do.
Why would it not be worth further considering the psychological significance of sexual repression or fetishes which people have in our society and making a point to speak of them in public discourse?
Ban, ban, BAN!
Discussing these things and expressing these views and feelings can certainly lead to being ostracized, and it can come from all corners… Even from within…
I, despite being a sexworker, still care what people think about me. I cannot summon the courage (usually) to walk outside as a girly boy, or risk being humiliated in public by serving another person, nor can I make out with someone I’m deeply empassioned with, or any of the things I know which define me or would be fun for me to do.
I, despite being a fetish model, am gripped by my own inner demons and fears of ostracization by my “peers”. I’ve always been an outcast, and by that same token, I now fear stepping out of line all the time for the feeling of guilt, shame, and dissapointment I face in the public eye for expressing my personal tastes. I should be stronger…
Maybe I should take up being ballbusted?
That led me to doing the one thing I feared most in this world just to prove to myself that I could do it. Just to prove that I could get through it and come out standing on top, victorious, and able to face anything this world had to dish out at me… and to an extent, it has/does make things better for me.
Before this previous shoot I did for BallBustingBoys, I was petrified. I was having anxiety attacks and going through one of my hardest depressive episodes that I’d faced in a very long time. I was feeling so down that the world around me became no more than a misty haze of grey blurbs which I couldn’t fathom, nor did I want to…
This depressive phase was beyond intense, I couldn’t leave my house, I couldn’t motivate myself to go to the gym, or move around, I couldn’t even motivate myself to do anything that could get me money which I desperately needed/need. I felt like giving up on everything and didn’t even want to go through with the shoot, let alone shoot a bunch of trade content with no immediate reward factor to look forward to; however, I did have $500 on the line, the only catch being that I had to be able to cum from getting ballbusted.
I never thought I’d be so irreverant to the idea of receiving $500, but with the circumstances in place, I weighed the pros and cons, with the pros coming out in favor of me trying my hardest to succeed at getting that money. I wouldn’t stop at any cost… well at least that’s what I’d hoped to be able to do. But no, it’s not that simple when your mind is doubting your very being. I tried so hard to get out of doing it, I even contemplated acting sick.
In fact, I have to say that if it wasn’t for my dom in that situation, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything for that week. But he pushed me, he believed in me, he BELIEVES in me, and that kindness and faith is what helped me stick through the whole ordeal. I told him I wouldn’t quit until I made it through it, and he kept by in helping me follow through. He was even lenient on me which I somewhat appreciated, though at times it only made me more nervous for when the next strike would come…
(I don’t really like saying this stuff because I have two more clips to go and if I said more that’d probably just get back to everyone for next time and well, there I go being a coward again… hehe, kinda ironic how I caught myself acting thematically in line with this narrative I’m trying to spell…)
I can’t really go on saying too much more at the moment of course as I’ve already preemptively let out WAY more information than I should be letting out per my agreement with the founder of these videos, and I hope he’s okay with this because I have a message to send to the world and this is my way of doing it, through this story. It’s my form of moral grounding and self actualization through my experiences, that which I hope to share with others.
The thing about all that is that I improved completely after that, even before I was making insane content eating dog food off the ground and all kinds of crazy stuff just to keep my mind off of what was to come. My creativity was spurred and heightened by the anticipation of pain I couldn’t will myself to desire facing head on. I felt like I could do anything else in this world… But I did survive. Whether I came or not is up to you to wonder, cos I’m not saying shit. That’s that.
But what’s what? Well, the then what was that I became more invigored, I felt optimistic, as do I currently feel so, I felt determination to fix all the things going bad and still fight through and see what might become of my future if I really tried to do better things, knowig that one of these shoots will soon come to me again. I can say that I try my hardest now, ad that even though I still have been missing gym days, I’ve found ways to cope, because my mind suddenly just feels so much more peaceful… it’s hard to say.
Having Depression and ADHD make it a difficulty for me to get my thoughts together in most occasions but after a good beating it seems that my focus returns, that my ideals renormalize and I become humble again, down to earth. I feel extraordinarily free, and I feel wonder of the reason I catch myself loving to watch other people experience the pain I’ve felt and come out of it happy the same way I do. It just brings me so much…
I developed a philosophy, a grounded central belief about humanity, something which I keep seeing more and more appreciation for every day… that belief being that the only way for people to be kind and compassionate is for them to have suffered in excruciating ways at some points. My pain is far extended outside the consensual acts I agree to participate in this life, and I’m better for the woes and pains I’ve suffered through as a result.
This creedence can most certainly apply to the better majority of the world, suffering, though only through caring hands.
But yeah, that’s pretty much killer, I’ll see you on the flipside, and stay getting fucked… Oh and uh… do come back now, y’hear?