The fetish world pictured on most social media channels often seems to be a glossy catalogue of perfected hornyness, totally trained bodies and greatest gear…. a runway of vanities of kinksters. But this world of porn stars and starlets is just part of this reality. As our kinks our imperfections also are part of us.
And just these make us unique too after all. This diversity and our openness towards these should be normal to us. What some may see as flaw may see as something special or even strength. No one should have to hide.
When I surfed around the web last week, I stumbled upon a fetish and sex blog which was very elevating just for this reason. Chris is a 29- year old pansexual kinkster and switch from germany and writes about his fetishes and sex life, and gives insight in his needs and how he lives them. That sounds like nothing special so far, but for him this living out is not as easy as for most of us, because Chris suffers from spinal muscle atrophy (type 2) and is bound to an electric wheelchair.
Hello Chris, when did you discover that vanilla sex is not really what interests you and you like it a little more flavoured? How did that come and do you have a key moment?
Hello Marc. That must have been when I was around 20, and just registered on a new dating site. The reason I went on there was because they had my sexual orientation, pansexual, as an option there. I hoped that if it’s on there I could escape the always coming up questions “What’s pansexual?”. That didn’t work by the way, but nowadays I don’t find these questions not annoying anymore anyways. In any case, I was just searching for friendship with benefits there, still without BDSM or Fetish.
One day then I had a mail in my inbox, an older man wanted to get to know me. However, he wanted me just as a sub, he was very clear in his communication there. I was a little quenched, but also intrigued and curious. I of course mentioned my total inexperience, but that didn’t bother him much. Therefore we agreed to meet in a café and he had me hooked relatively fast, even though I tried not to let him see that. At the end of the meet it was clear that we wanted to try it out and soon rented a room in an hourly hotel.
How was it to serve as a sub for the first time? What was different?
I was extremely nervous of course, I didn’t have any clue how his kind of bdsm looked and what he planned to do with me. Nowadays we’d pretalk these things of naturally but back then I didn’t know such things. Luckily he was aware of my situation and the first session was very calm. What also was due to him moving into new territory, he never had experience with people with disability.
We started with mutually approaching each other, I explained how he should heave me, dress and undress me, and lay me down right. He slowly fixated me to the bed and always explained clearly what would happen next. That way we built up mutual trust and he could understand that I’m not as fragile as it seems. I wouldn’t count this session as real “servitude” yet, more as entry. What was extremely different for me, was the intimacy that evolved through the communication, I didn’t know this until then. In any case, I wanted more after that session.
Believe me, everybody has that nervousness before his first experience. And yes, communication, no matter verbal or nonverbal, as well as trust are the base of good SM. I still believe that the whole thing also had it’s sexual attractions, that quite differ from the usual vanilla sex.
For him the sexual attraction was very visible, for me it took a little while. There didn’t happen too much at the first time, he didn’t came and for me I got a handjob.
In the course of time that changed of naturally, I had a good base of trust and was still very curious. Therefore my arousal rose during our sessions. Bondage became, to a certain degree, an integral part of our game. We expanded our repertoire and step by step I started to discover new parts of me. I suddenly realized my masochistic side and new erogenous zones on my body. Spanking, wax, electro, cum control, he mentioned something and I’d have loved to just try it out almost immediately.
Someone seems to have been unsatiably curious. Those are good traits and make the game not become boring very quickly. I’m a pedestrian, and have to admit that I’ve not yet had any experience with wheelchair users. I assume that most of the readers here have not. So, can you explain all of us how your disability influences the sexual game and how we could imagine such a session to go?
I think that my bdsm-likes have adapted to my body physical situation. You can see it well on my dominant side. I am absolutely no sadist, what in my opinion also comes from being unable to exercise any form of physical dominance. How should I? I can’t even lift my own glass. That’s why my leniences as a Dom go more towards a verbal and humiliation form of eroticism. As a sub I can do almost everything a healthy person can do, just my way there may be a bit different.
No matter in which role I find myself in, one thing always stays the same. I always have to rely on the help of my play partner. That is: Dress, undress, heave, laying etc. That often isn’t easy for subs naturally.
I imagine that to be quite exigent. Can’t a play partner do some things wrong quite quickly?
The key for it lays within communication. Of all the partners I had until now, only one or two had any experience with disabilitated people. Then the responsibility lays on me to bring down this “fear”, and there it only helps to talk and explain a lot.
Hurt I only got once, I pulled a ligament because I stupidly got lodged in a ceiling. So this injury wasn’t even a result of the session, just a stupid accident, and accidents happen to everybody.
As a good rule when you play with a partner with disability you should first be a little cautious and slowly heighten up.
Going step by step is always important. You have to get used to each other. The search for good SM partners is already quite a hassle without disability, everyone has his likes and dislikes which need to fit each other. How do you find your play partners and what is important to you in your search? And how can you bring down the fear of your disability for your partner in the chat portals?
My play partners I always find over the internet. I have accounts on the usual platforms. So I’m not hard to find.
Important to me are especially character. Attentiveness, Playfulness, Tolerance and Empathy. I look for people who can separate bodily and emotional faithfulness, and for which a slow getting to know each other is just a fun discovery as for me. The age is secondary and not that important, just as the gender. Also I don’t care whether someone is sporty or molly, or whether he’s highly educated or where he comes from. The human person is for me a picture of many little mosaik pebbles, and for me only the whole image counts.
To take away the fear of somebody on a dating platform is very difficult. I always am honest on my profiles and don’t hide anything. It wouldn’t help anyway, because latest at the meet it would come out. In chats I am just myself, open, humourous, polite and a little nerdy. Taking away the fear is something I only can really do during a first real contact. Normally I still just do what I do in the chats, but the access, contact and influence is totally different when I sit across my counterpart.
And how can you take away the fear for yourself of “crossing the wrong ones”, which could abuse your situation and relative defenselessness?
I set up a few rules for myself, and, as strange as this may sound, my affliction causes circumstances which protect me. One of my rules are: “No sex on the first meet, and on the second let’s see.” That means on the first meet we go to a café to talk and see, sometimes I also need 2 to be sure. Then comes the factor hourly hotel, in these there are always a lot of people around, trouble would be noticed quickly. And lastly, my biggest protection is my form of covering. Because of my situation I always have an assistant nearby, they accompany me often also to my getting to now meets or bring me to a session. Of course they aren’t accompany me to into it, but they are nearby, at the get to know meets at another table maybe for example. Important is just that, because of that, people who plan something bad are getting warded off.
Haha that’s almost a luxury situation for that case you’ve got through your disability with the covering. A lot of young submissive beginners would have good for a such one as well :)))
It definitely is a luxury situation, at least in this matter. And I can really recommend this covering tactic to every bdsm interested person. Please, protect yourself as good as you can, no matter your role or situation. If you don’t have a trusted person, use the offers you have on the web or your phone / apps.
How right you are. You should use your head before running after your horniness. Even if it is an important part of the whole thing. Actually, Do you still have such horny and kinky fantasies and dreams you want to realize once? And what kind are they?
Everybody, or lets say almost everybody, is horny sometimes, but as you said, you should not succumb completely to it. Concerning my fantasies, I of course had my imaginative scenarios in my head. I believe that this is something very natural, it is also something that everyone should preserve and keep. As for my wishes, those are relatively harmess things, I always wanted to visit a swinger club and an SM studio for example. In munich that isn’t really possible if you have to rely on a wheelchair, and I’ve written on the topic around swinger clubs and bdsm studios on my blog already as well. Of course I also have simply sexual wishes but with those I don’t need to rush. For those I’d also have to find a person which fit in the search criteria for it which goes a little slowly at the moment. But I’m staying optimistic. 😉
Yes accessibility …. I can imagine that to be problematic. But you also mentioned it, you write a blog (in german) called SEXABLED. How did that come to be? I know it, but can you tell our readers what it’s about?
Of course, it’s a pleasure, and also thank you for letting me present it here. Sexabled is about pretty much everything that fits this topic or is connected to it, sometimes it’s more personal, others more informative and since a few months ago I also look for guest-authors. The goal of the blog is to reduce prejudice around the topic “disability and sexuality”, spread body positivity and give affected people some hope and courage by showing “Hey, your needs are completely normal”. The blog originally developed out of mails I received on dating platforms. Many people wrote to me: “Hey, you’re so variegated and your story is so interesting, please write a book.” My neighbour is author and I can still remember how much time he needed for his book, that definitely would not be my thing. But these statements kept coming and I started to think of what I could do. And the result of these thoughts has been online now for about a year.
And how is the resonance of your blog? What kind of feedback did you get?
I don’t have any statistics or anything but my feedback is about 98% positive and strengthening. Negative ones are really rare. The most blatant one I’d say was the term “abartige Behindertenscheisse”, which roughly translates into “abnormal retarded handicap bullshit”. That hurt me a little bit back then, but nowadays I stand above these things. My readers also strenghten me, and I’m very thankful for that.
Idiots you sadly find everywhere, and it’s good that you don’t let yourself be discouraged by them. I find what you do great, and wish you and your blog a lot of success and you personally many enthralling experiences that enrich your life.