No one is born a Master and the same rule is true for slaves.
Every Fetishboy and SM-guy was a beginner once and had to collect experiences. So there is no reason to be ashamed for a lack of experience. Precisely this playful entrance into the experimental sexuality is actually a very exiting phase.
It’s also important to enjoy this time. Because of that I think that, like with most things in life, one should go step by step there and not rush anything.
How do you get in right?
At first you need to get to know your own urges. You recognise those often the best by getting yourself off, because in your imagination you don’t have to consider anyone else, and you can think at what makes you horny and lustful. For those Imaginations you don’t have to feel ashamed too, because you didn’t do anything bad. (You can find another narration of me with the title “Am I a pervert?“.)
Surely a good start would be to inform yourself about those topics. If you are reading this text, you already found a platform where you find information to the topic.
In another step it would be great if you could talk to somebody about your fantasies. There often come the first problems: One is mostly, despite all, a little bit ashamed of those ideas and with who should one talk? Sure it’s great if you have friends of which you know they stand on the kinky side.
They would be ideal conversation partners. If you have such friends, hold on: Keep calm, don’t rush and have a jovial and deep talk about the topic. But sure, not everyone has such trusted persons in his fields, or at least none that they know they have similar fantasies. Often Boys who find out they are gay think that they are the sole person far and wide and discover later that there are more. The same applies to the Fetish- and SM-World., only that this tendency is far more frequent – and not only since 50 Shades of Grey.
First steps in the www-Fetish & SM-World
If you don’t have a trusty person at hand, then go to one of the common gay chats. On platforms like Planetromeo or more specific fetish chats like for example Recon you can surely find people to talk with.
But there’s still things to watch out for: Firstly it’s about discovering this world, not going in recklessly and wanting to be the most extreme slave, master, dog and so on that ever existed in this world. That’s something you can still go on later.
If it’s just about discovering the topic and talking about it, then you don’t need to search for the man of your dreams but rather for someone with the same kind of needs and experience. Age is not always to be equalized with experience, but you can rarely find a teenager who’s seen the world and made the experiences well-thought out and reflected on them. Needy horny guys – no matter the age – are mostly bad conversation partners. Guys of who you notice that they only want to get you fast into the bed or cage surely won’t help you in your situation.
Be careful in the trips into the chats. I sure as hell don’t want to advise you to fake or muck someone or something like that. But if you’re uncomfortable in the beginning, you can make a second profile that’s for example in the next big town or somewhere else. If you however later want to live the whole thing out in real life, it doesn’t bring you very much to lie with your stats. Even if facepics are beautiful, not everybody needs to see them from the very beginning. If you notice that someone’s interesting and that you can trust him, you can still send it to him. Also be honest and tell them that you don’t search for a date for today or tomorrow, but instead are at discovering your kinky side and that this need time as well.
SM needs to be consensual and builds on trust
This is probably one of the most important statements to this topic. Never let yourself be pushed by someone that you don’t want to like you wouldn’t with others. With me the entry into the SM went playful and happened out of a little playfight-situation with my ex-boyfriend. Out of a playful little brawl in the bed it happened that I fixated my then boyfriend with my legs and started to facefuck him. Somehow it came to chaining too. I noticed that he liked it, but also that I wouldn’t get much further there with him because he was more the “vanilla sex”-type than the SM-type. Sure, within controlled frames he was ready to do bondage since he trusted me and liked it to a certain point. But that was all there was, so that meant “practice!” for me, since the whole thing has to like said to be consensual. I myself had noticed with this first experience as well that I needed more. Since I didn’t know anyone with whom I could live it out more and wanted to, I dived into the web to talk about it and to find interesting boys for real action.
After a short while of cybersex I found some suiting boys. The important thing is that you know what attracts you, how far you want to go, what you can imagine and very important, what you CANNOT imagine. Once more: Talk before you meet for action about it. Best is if you meet first on neutral ground for a drink, not for a date. Like that you get to know the person first and learn to evaluate him. Let your counterpart tell you about his imaginations, experiences, likes and limits as well. It is often hard to listen if you finally found someone to talk about the topic, but it’s important. But bear in mind that there are good actors who play you at such a get-together that what you want to hear. Take your time, you can meet a few times as well before it comes to action.
If you set a date but feel really unwell before because you still don’t have enough trust in your potential gaming partner, don’t avoid to cancel the get-together. Always be fair though and inform you partner. Mucking you people sure as hell is not a trustbuilding method and to be honest just bullshit!
Don’t go in your first session without backup. Inform a person of trust about your intention. Tell her where you go and with who you meet and what for. I recommend that you play at your or your partner’s house. Make sure that you call your person of trust in a certain time frame. Notify your partner of this. He will understand it. If he shouldn’t, forget him.
Entry in a session
If you are sympathetic to each other and want to meet for action again, plan how you want to entry too. Surely you can comfortably meet somewhere, watch TV and go over to the action later. Like I wrote in a report “New slave – new work” before, it is quite common that submissive boys, through nervousness and this start eye to eye, have problems to switch onto the slave level. If the trust into his counterpart is big enough, a direct entry as dom and sub is recommended. Maybe it eases the situation even more if you plan, on one of the encounters beforehand, a scenario and a procedure that makes the both of you horny and hot.
Step by step and don’t rush anything
You don’t have to experience everything on the first meeting! Take yourself time to discover this world of hornyness. Live out what you like and do it step by step. Talk in between from time to time, what you like, what you like less and what you want to set aside. Communication is very important in BDSM. In the beginning, if you don’t know each other very well, it is verbal. The better you know each other, the more you get the Info on the non-verbal level.
Inform yourself before you try out new things, how to do it right and evade injuries. This responsibility finds itself more on the side of the top, what doesn’t take the sub in a combined discovering out of responsibility. Please bear in mind that pornos are not teaching movies. They don’t show the boring preparation and the guys in the movies moan even in situations you normally don’t moan.
There are dangers everywhere. Just by chaining/constraining someone wrong it can be damaging. I know first-hand that toys in sex shops are expensive. Sure some things can ve replaced by household stuff but be careful. Such a household- and home improvement- SM can go wrong too. Especially in things that go in the different body openings you should be careful. In this point I recommend you to forget things that aren’t specially made for that. Inform yourself well about the things you plan on making.
Accidents can happen everywhere, but you should do everything possible to prevent them. Should despite everything, something go wrong, please go to the doctor and don’t tell him any fairy tales. First, he’s mostly going to recognise that and second you want him to help you as fast and efficient as possible. Surely you’ll be ashamed but believe me that he’s seen worse and he is bound to discretion and secrecy. On the topic of health you should always think about the different sexual diseases and protect yourself as far as possible. More to this topic health you can find on sadosam.
Responsibility belongs to BDSM
Like already said all the gaming partners bear responsibility for the action. I want to point out for all the tops and masters that they must be ready take the responsibility for the sub as well. Merely if you are ready for that you can play with subs as well.
Keep in mind that even the greatest and most experienced top has the short side of the stick when it comes to the law. The whole thing with the age of consent relativizes itself since for example in bondage you make a deprivation of liberty and with spanking and whipping you violate the law of physical inviolability or can even be held responsible for assault. There I can only mention again that BDSM must be completely for all parties involved be consensual. Also in many cases for those invasions in the physical inviolability the age of consent is needed.
Fun for the joy
Ok after all this serious stuff lets go to the most important in all this: It has to be fun. The SM- and fetishworld is not something for everyone, but who has this inner need in him will quickly find out how exciting it is, how it enriches sex and how much fun it can be if you live it out with the right counterpart.
If you feel this need inside yourself, then dare yourself to live it out and make experiences. You are not going to regret it if you approach it right.
I wish you many great adventures and hot guys with who you can have satisfying moments and memories. It would be a shame if you look bad one time and think: Oh damned, if only I dared…
Illustrations by Nicolas Brunet. Thank you Nicolas for the great art work.
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